tales from an ordinary world

2001-10-01

I'm on a tightrope, waiting for things to come clearer. I've got a phone call to make, and then I'm going to listen to Registered Nurse until I sleep.

2001-10-02

I've been watching too much TV. Well. "Watching" implies that I fully intended to watch it. "Seeing" is perhaps better, since it suggests a more unintentional nature. I was just in the same room (I don't have a PC in my bedroom, believe it or not). And so I've seen seeing random TV shows that I wouldn't normally watch. The new breed of TV shows now that we're getting bored with lawyers - the "school teacher" shows, like Boston Public and Teachers, plus a few sit-coms that I don't mind seeing anyway. But what struck me as being common to all these shows is how much of it's centered around people making mistakes, and the subsequent aftermath. Sometimes it drags on, sometimes it's out of the way in an instant (perhaps to reappear in a later show, as part of a bigger mistake). I don't know why this seemed significant to me just now.

I also wondered, what comes next ? The bad guys used to be evil foreigners (the bad guys in american films so often seem to have, if nothing else, english accents...). Then they set their sights evil corporations (sometimes evil foreign corporations). And so...? Next ? What's the next concept to be so relentlessly demonised ?

Is it significant that there's a song called television saved my life playing on the stereo now ? I hope not.

2001-10-02b

It'll be the same as last night, and the night before that, and all weekend. I just haven't been able to drift off to sleep with my usual ease. I try not to look at the clock, to see how much time I've lost to random circular thoughts, snatches of songs or conversations or images. But all the same, it won't stop. It won't start. A watched pot never boils, and eventually the radio wrestles me from the sleep I didn't notice myself having, at last.

2001-10-04

"shine your reflection on my bucket of blood and bones"
scud mountain boys.

As a geek (denial or no), I can always take refuge in technology. I can waste time doing things like rewriting the backend crud for my website such that nobody would ever notice, but I'll feel better about myself knowing that...well...it's "better". A little bit. Sort of. I can feel productive (I mean, it's research, right ?). It's all research...

One less person to catch up with in Singapore. One less familiar face. There'll be other times, or not. I suspect not, but I've been wrong before. These aren't the times to be second-guessing the world.

When Wichita Lineman (also, read this as an example of the kind of thing I wish I'd done - all for a song) came up in "shuffle" mode on the CD changer, I just couldn't stop myself going and playing those two Scud Mountain Boys CDs, all the way through.

Current Listening :

• The Early Year (Pine Box / Dance the night away), by The Scud Mountain Boys.

2001-10-09

I could sit there all day, staring at the old building, thinking about what's beyond the blue. But it'll all have to wait, I suppose.

Current Listening :

• Everything and Nothing, by David Sylvian.

2001-10-09b

"ghosts of american astronauts
are drifting too close to the sun"
the mekons.

I just want to be able to fall asleep again. I don't yet know what I have or haven't done, or what's bothering me. It's just that I can't get to sleep, apart from an hour or so after the pre-dawn birds start singing, and the half-hour I sometimes allow myself after the alarm goes off. I can work this out. If only...

Current Listening :

• I'm never gonna die again, by These Immortal Souls.

• that Low and Dirty Three cover of Down by the river.

2001-10-10

I love receiving phone calls from long lost friends. Somewhere along the line I lost the courage to make them, though. I get such a wonderful feeling hearing the old familiar-yet-distant voice, mixed with a little nervousness. The sacrifice I, too, should be making. Instead I find myself paralyzed by indecision and random worry, because I don't want to impose upon people. My needs...can wait.

2001-10-14

I was a good little suburbanite, lunching in a local (well, almost local) street cafe, buying a couple of books and a couple of secondhand CDs, and then wandering about the local shopping centre, imaginitively named "Malvern Central". I even bought sandals, finally - I'm going to force myself to like them. Maybe not like them, but accept them. Something like that. I don't think I'd been to Muffin Break since I moved out of home 6 and a half years ago and somehow, it just didn't taste the same.

Current Listening :

• The Second Greatest Story Ever Told, by The Jackson Code.

• Pale Sun Crescent Moon, by Cowboy Junkies.

2001-10-29

...and so I came, and went, from Singapore. I saw plenty of things. I met up with old friends. Everybody was really nice to me, such that I feel guilty for coming and going so quickly, not having time to fully appreciate things. Thank you. I'm sorry.

2001-10-31

There's always ironing to help fill a temporary void. I don't want to eat - I want to keep my self busy, not my stomach - but really, it doesn't matter, I just want to keep my mind off other things, like tomorrow.

Current Listening :

• Technodelic, by Yellow Magic Orchestra.