tales from an ordinary world

1999-11-16

I had a mild attack of The Fear this afternoon. I think it's gone now. I turned up The Wedding Present (the deliciously loud and moody Seamonsters) while going for a short wander after work, and it seemed to help for a while.

Perhaps I've been neglecting myself in some way. I feel a need for certain things but I can also feel how I'm fooling myself again - thinking that by having these certain things in my life, all will be magically well. I should know better than this by now. Well, I do. But...

...but there has to be some sort of middle ground that I've been - as yet - unable to find. I have sufficient faith that it's possible to achieve such a thing. But I've no idea how to get to it. Or where to start, even - especially now, when I feel so terminally distant from everybody, and so tiredly cynical about many of the things I once embraced with an almost insane passion.

I find it hard to comprehend the luck that has carried me through this life - I've managed to get away with far more than I think I might have deserved. I should be less paranoid, but at times like this it's all too easy to be looking out for one huge payback.

Like every other time, though, this feeling will pass. Of this I am sure. Deep within my paranoid fears, I know things can and will be better some day. And in general, the last few weeks have been good.