tales from an ordinary world

2000-05-16

It's that kind of time, when you can feel sickness casting its tiny shadow. I'm reaching new heights of restlessness - last night I was completely absorbed in music twaddle, tonght I can't sit down for five minutes.

I can't stop sneezing.

And so the world turns. At least I've managed to do a few useful things for people lately but, all the same, I can't help noticing the distance between things. Even now, when past lives are manfesting themselves with olive branches I'd always hoped for but never thought I'd see, it's hard to decide exactly how much of a difference it really makes now. I'm grateful, of course I'm grateful. Maybe it's just that I can't take a compliment without feeling guilty about it. Perhaps it's more that I couldn't really disagree with some of the things that were said about me, back then. And like, have I really done all that much to improve myself in all this time ?

I've got that feeling like when you say "did I somehow miss some kind of important lesson about XYZ at school ?". Except this time it's hard for me to even pinpoint what XYZ is.

I suppose it's just the restlessness talking - rattling my bones, whispering in my ear and asking those difficult, difficult questions.

I'm a long way from home.