tales from an ordinary world

2002-01-09

"six more miles to the graveyard
and I'll be left here all alone."
Hank Williams.

I got the news. I was drifting in and out of sleep around 7am, when the phone rang, and I could vaguely hear Mum's voice asking me to call her back. I filed a mental post-it note to call her when I woke up. I fell into dreams, where I dreamed I was talking to a friend via some kind of electronic means, but all of a sudden it was my mother trying to contact me instead, I could tell by the words they suddenly started using.

The moment I rose, I went to the answering machine. Her voice had Bad News written all over it, and I called back but the phone was engaged. I went through all the possibilities in the shower, and came up with a few more-than-likelys while I mentally prepared myself for whatever it was. The phone's still engaged. My mobile's voicemail had the same message, in that same quick voice. I have to get to work, but I can call my sister's place, they'll probably know what's going on...

...and so, on friday, I'll turn up in my good clothes to that old church around the corner from their old house and just like it was with him, I'll read from the Book and I'll help carry her to the final resting place. I'll ask myself the eternally unanswerable questions. Was I a good grandson ? Probably not. I kept my distance. I kept to myself. I didn't feel as close as I should've. I could make small talk, but...that was all it seemed to be. I didn't just know what else to do, I never worked out how to push past that invisible barrier that kept me separated from the rest of them. I felt like I was just an observer, and I guess I still do.