tales from an ordinary world

2002-12-01

I'm not the sunbathing type, but with so much time to kill and a good book to read I thought I'd give it a go. I found a decent stretch of grass, gingerly removed my t-shirt and lay prone, headphone wire running off to one side. At the end of each short story I'd give in to restlessness, replace my t-shirt and move about the park to find another location. Other sunbathers seemed happy in one spot, occasionally squirming in place or sitting upright for a while. I sat on a shady bench for a while to try and re-evaluate the situation.

Back to the shops, the smell of food (chicken and rice it seems), couples wearing identical sandals and signs begging "please bring Waggy home for christmas."

2002-12-02

3 quick pints 'cause the tiny pub shuts at 9, and then a hyperactive cat launches himself between furniture as we speed-trial a collection of music purchased in Old Blighty.

2002-12-03

Lunchtime. "I look like a rabbit," she said to me across the table while I fumbled with my metal chopsticks. Traffic and the midday sun, waiting for a train out of here so I can practise my non-shopping technique.

Chance meeting after dark and mid-carpet, I was bleary-eyed but recognised the face (it took me a while to remember where from). I talked, listened and walked people to taxis. I picked the wrong music, too. But it's the unexpected event that stuck - running into the neighbour I used to see on the tram every once in a while.

2002-12-04

The morning after moves like treacle, especially when the fire drill hits - A reluctant shuffle down and out to the "safe point", and despair at returning to a building full of people all waiting in the foyer for a lift upstairs at the same time.

2002-12-05

It's going to be a black and olive-green weekend away, I've decided. I've packed it so. You'll see.

2002-12-08

I had a long weekend away, to remind myself what the country looks like, and what travelling with my parents is like. I resisted the pull of the discman and spent a lot of time lost in a book or lost my thoughts, trying to piece together various events in either my world or the world at large. Did I make progress ? I'm not sure. It all just goes around and around.

2002-12-09

So many little errands it seems insurmountable. I found some time to write a few words to someone at least, but there's still the dead disk, the strange phone call to return, the garden, an upcoming meeting, a promise I made, an event to celebrate and birthday cards to post.

2002-12-09b

"I dunno what'll go first, my body or my mind. Probably my body," he told me this morning. We're all just wilting in the street, hoping for sleep but dragged along by drudgery. The dark or the sun ? I just don't want any in-betweens.

2002-12-10

I'm wondering about the, uh, appropriateness of where I've been reading my books. A Solzhenitsyn prison camp story while holidaying. A mod anthology while dressed in a black t-shirt and black jeans. A book about the american indie bands of the 80's while having a coffee outside my favourite cafe, in between doing my christmas shopping. I'm doing it all wrong.

2002-12-11

I could've written something on the card, but I felt I should remain an anonymous contributor. It just seemed better that way, rather trying to say something comforting that wouldn't also sound bitter. We don't need more bitterness. We need to maintain our will.

2002-12-13

Sometimes it takes a night of insanity to discover new things about yourself - if only they were the right things.

2002-12-14

It was a fitful night-after-a-party sleep, but strangely I only woke up covered in sweat half the time. Blue sky waited outside but it could keep on waiting, this time.

2002-12-15

Still trying to regain the lost beginning of the weekend, which has been nicely book-ended - a dinner one side, a barbecue the other. Christmas is all sorted out this year, a week ahead of schedule.

Now I can let go.

2002-12-16

Darting between windows - compile this, upgrade that. For the first time in ages I take some work home (so to speak), willingly. It's good to be out on the road, unhindered.

2002-12-17

I should be looking back - top tens and other "good things that happened this year" - but I can't seem to focus on all that just yet. There's a few small goals to kick, stuff to move, things to do. I'm trying, I'm always trying, to find out what it is I'm here for. I'm trying to find holes in the walls, to see if there's a different way out of this place.

2002-12-17b

The traffic seems extra-impatient today - hot weather and side streets just don't mix. Sleep won't come easily, either. A few passing net.greetings lift tired evening spirits but can't quite erase the worry.

2002-12-18

She told us how she had a Michael Caine party, once. They made fun of our Ben Shermans, our PDAs and our chai. She wants to do an interstate blogger road trip. There were cat stories, drinking stories and camera stories. Future plans, and such. I tried to drink the company, instead of drinking more beer.

scorecard :

• 1 longneck / "mother hen".
• 1 stubby.
• 1 pot of chai.
• 1 whiskey sour, when we moved down the road.

2002-12-19

Pub grub for lunch, hurrying down to meet the gone but not forgotton one. I'm stuck in that in-between world, trying to look after our new arrival while getting an ear in with the veterans - I want to make sure everybody's ok.

2002-12-20

3 bottles of sporty rehydration drink to stave off the morning-after slump - I don't want to miss the music tonight. Evening exercise from collingwood to fitzroy helps, too. I can't really see him playing, but the words are still there, carrying me off and over the rooftops as I stare at the ground below me. I'm lost in music, yet again.

2002-12-21

Pick a t-shirt and bound out the door for lunch. Walk and walk and sweat a little. Sidestep the christmas frenzy and head down the side-road. "The usual ?" "Yeah," with a thumb-up. Duck into a gift-shop for a final minor present - staff in black, a blur of wrapping paper and silver cord. Refuge in the supermarket, taking my time at last. A quick burble of Indonesian, spoken behind me somewhere.

I found that I didn't notice the heat as much as I used to - is this part of getting old ?

2002-12-22

Jolly boating weather, of sorts. Expensive beer but good music, at least the bits that I heard. The outside of the boat was too tempting, watching the bridges and towers and tram-boat pass us by.

2002-12-24

Late afternoon gin and tonics, with an unhappy story or two to help it go down. I've had it so easy all my life, how can I speak ?

2002-12-25

It gets a little easier every year - conversation flows a little better with uncles - but I still find my relationship with my extended family confusing at best. Only one of my eight cousins is male - "eww, boy germs" was all I'd get from the others. I don't remember the teenage Christmases particularly much, but I suppose I found my own way of making it through the day. Nowadays I only see them at Christmas, and I feel guilty not having kept up with their lives the way everybody else seems to have done. I feel like I marginalised myself somehow, but I shouldn't act surprised. This was probably my first act of self-sabotage, the one I'll come to regret the most toward the other end of my life.

I came home tired despite the time and made my phone call nonetheless, just to hear the healing voice. "Steamboat," she said.

2002-12-26

It was nearly the kind of day that yesterday should've been - warm enough to sit outside for a while in the early evening, shaking the afternoon's wine from my head with a coffee. I hung on the washing line talking about PC crud with my Dad. I sat on the grass and listened to Mum. I packed my things to set off for the station. "You know you can stay tonight," they said. "I know. But I've got to work tomorrow, and I need the exercise." I do, and I did. I touched the orange Singapore Airlines security sticker, the one that'd been on top of the bag since August, and hauled myself out of the door and up the street.

2002-12-27

Too much time spent on trivial things, especially tonight. Still, when simple tasks start to unravel you have to see them through. They're just images after all - a crutch that replaces the real memories, and a reminder of all the times I spent hiding behind the camera instead of taking part.

2002-12-28

Not enough heat to prevent me from indulging in my Saturday cafe ritual, but just enough to prevent me from leaving the house once I return. I shopped mostly for others, a delayed train suggesting that perhaps today isn't the day to be buying myself more things.

Intermittent sputter under desk. Which fan is it this time ? My hardware's telling me that it's time, but I'm just not ready yet.

I had a dream last night (well, this morning) about walking near the South-Eastern freeway - something about green grass and lying around on a large stray rock for a while, talking to some old friends. Later, I tried to hide in the shower before another friend turned up. I don't know why.

2002-12-29

Hot summer nights and headaches, the Sunday evening dread takes a new turn - lie down with some old favourite CDs (one, two) and wish the night away.

2002-12-30

The usual question - "so what're your plans, now ?" But instead of sitting down and nutting it out I'm immersing myself in the trivial, in the day to day.

I don't know.

2002-12-31

A time trip of sorts - old friends, simple pleasures, a quiet night. We went outside at the appropriate moment, watching the stars and listening to the city fireworks booming across the suburbs. A few sips of Cointreau to see the new year in. Another long-distance hug - it'll have to do for now.